a TRILLION sorry

Why when we care a lot about their feeling eventually we hurt them? Sedangkan our first intention memang tak sanggup nak lukakan hati sesiapa pun. 

Tuan Momo yang terpaksa di lukakan hati nya. Saya TERPAKSA, and swear it hurt me a lot, but i know i have too. The condition is, aku yang tak mampu nak pretend that i feel OK every time he texts me or called me. Cause i can't pretend that we're friend sedangkan secara fakta we EX couple. Maaf Tuan Momo saya tak mampu untuk berbuat seperti mana yang pernah awak lakukan sebelum ini... sememangnya saya terpaksa untuk bergaduh, terpaksa buat awak marah saya, terpaksa buat segala-galanya yang menyakitkan hati awak, terpaksa buat awak BENCI saya, terpaksa buat awak kena lupakan saya. Sebab saya tak ada kekuatan untuk tinggalkan awak. Sememangnya saya tak ada kekuatan untuk cuma beranggapan yang kita cuma mampu setakat berkawan. When you said that "perhubungan kita ini memang tak akan dapat pergi kemana-mana pun, dan kita hanya dapat untuk berkawan" It feel a whole world on top of me. Sesak. Tak bernafas. Hilang kata-kata. Tapi itulah fakta nya. Funny kan, kadang-kadangkan kita tahu itulah yang akan berlaku, tapi when we heard people saying it out kita seolah-olah tak mampu nak menerima, kenape erk? Sedangkan itulah yang sebenarnya... but why i HATE to hear that? but why it make me cry when u saying that? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???????? *sob sob* 

Tuan Momo, saya minta maaf ye, saya tak dapat terima kewujudan DIA walau beribu kali awak kata yang kita nie kawan. Saya cuma tak dapat, saya tak mampu. Jadi saya ambik keputusan lebih baik saya buat awak macam nie, sekurang-kurangnya saya rasa kesakitan and that makes feel alive compare to pretend that i your friend dan tak memijak pada bumi nyata, sentiasa di awangan bersama mimpi yang tak akan pernah jadi kenyataan pun. 

Sebenarnya, aku pun tak tahu keputusan aku nie betul ke tidak. Yang aku tahu aku berserah jer segala-galanya pada Allah. Sesunggunya Allah sebaik-sebaik pertolongan. Aku yakin DIA tahu apa yang terbaik untuk aku, dan sesungguhnya aku tak pernah berjumpa dengan orang yang salah, dan terutama Tuan Momo. 

Dan buat Momo, kau kena jaga tuan kau baik-baik tau! Penat aku cari tuan kau. Aku memang tahu yang aku tak akan pernah dapat jaga dia pun, so aku amanahkan dia pada kau. Aku akan jadi kawan dia satu hari nanti sebab aku tak bermusuh dengan sapa-sapa pun cuma yang pastinya bukan sekarang. Selagi aku masih sayang dia aku rasa slagi itulah aku rasa lebih baik aku berdiam diri dari dia. 

So all i can do now, STAY POSITIVE!!! itu je yang harus aku buat sekarang... i know it is hard but at least it is worth! FIGHTING efa!!! You can do it!!! 

He is my best partner

He is Andrew Matthews. He is the author of the million seller follow your heart, the author of being a happy teenagers.

I’m growing up with full of questions, full of anger of my self, trying to accept my self and lots of problem as a teen. I am a perfectionist before, may be a part of if because of I am a scorpion. I do love perfection and when things go worse I pressure myself a lot, I started to hate my self more and i feel that I don’t deserve to live. But luckily I found this book early before I start to become a trouble person in society. *Alhamdulillah* The book is Being a happy teenagers. I read the book for the countless count. Until at one time I remember all the stories in it, what the quotes given in the book. Just because I want to make sure that I remember all those stories when I needed.

As I growing up, I had my first job and it is permanent. All people said that im very lucky to have a job in early of age, during that time I am only 19 years old. At the few early years of my working period I got problem with my job, I got problem with self esteem, I got problem with money, I got problem with my parents, problem one by one came worse and worse everyday. And one day i committed to suicide. Even I know that is a big sin to do that but if that can make everyone around me happy im willing to do that. But after that I realize I need to pray. Then I started to pray and pray and pray a lot. At that time I don’t know where to ask help, I don’t know with whom I should talk about my problem and Alhamudillah I still have a friend as I consider as my sister. I talk to her a lot about problem, I cried a lot at that time, and immediately she bought a ticket to Miri for me. Relief! While in Miri, I keep thinking what I should do when I;m coming back to Kuching? Are people in my office will accept me they way i am? Can I handle task from my boss? And lots lots lots of thought! It is the same. It is either in Kuching or Miri the problem still chasing me. And finally, I feel so tired of all that. I feel tired of being sucked, I feel so tired of giving up. And I promise to my self, once I step in Kuching I promise to change! Change from my regularly routine.

It is true; sometime you need break in the middle of things. It will help to bring you back on track.

Landed on Kuching finally, after a week vacation in Miri. Looked at Kuching International Airport, I can feel that my heart beats faster. Am I ready enough to get through all of this? Am I ready enough to stand alone? Yes! I Did finally. I started doing my new routine; I went to cinemas alone, shopping alone, went to coffeehouse just to smell the coffee. I went to bookstore, looking for the new books to read; any book including love comic. And for the second times, the same author be my partner again. For This time, Follow Your Heart. I read and read and read the book. I bring it wherever I go. And Alhamdullillah I started to change. Trying to be more positive, trying the best in my job, trying to be happy with who I am.

Then the new phase is coming.

Love.

I am falling in love with the unexpected guy; Heyward Maxwell. To be with him is the greatest moment I had. We have gone through thick and thin more than a year. But without blessed from parents it will not going anywhere. To be honest, as a normal person I did blamed him, blamed my self because of the break up. But now I realized, I will not be able to change the fact. All I can do is accept what had happened, I will forgive myself for blaming him, forgive myself for being mad at him, forgive myself for being harsh with him and of course I need to forgive Heyward as well from the bottom with my heart. He is not the one that supposedly be blamed after both of us put much effort in this relationship.

Be or without him I will enjoy my life to the fullest! Nothing will change. While I still have parent to love me, still have sister, and insyaAllah will have brother in law in another few more months I don’t think I have a reason to be grieved so long. Like mom said “Mun dah macam ya takdir nya, macam nielah nak molah nak? Sik apalah” Relief! So relief! Mom always gives the best answer that I want to hear.

This is for Heyward, for this time I will not delete your name again in my entry. Cause you know what, we had keep our relationship from people for quite long time before so when we are become friend why shouldn’t I hiding your name again for this time? You are the most emotion people I ever met after my mom. Sometimes it is good for you but sometimes it is not. I do hope you enjoy your life to the fullest. Forgive me and most important forgive yourself! It is allowed to be sad, it is allowed to cry cause that is a sign that you are still alive but you must know when to stop.

And for myself~ I shouldn’t stop writing. It will help me to keep alive, be at track and keep moving. No matter what happen, no matter what obstacle coming around keeps writing is the best method to remind myself! Not for other people to read just to remind myself what I have gone trough, and why it is worth to try in LIFE….

You will be happy with stuff only if you can be happy without stuff.

For this come around, im done with Happiness in Hard Time.

TDB

Banyak perkara tertangguh dalam otak tok yang sik terkeluar. Apa keyboard notebook aku pande nyerap semua yang aku pike kah? Aku tauk, aku benar fragile sekarang. Sik cukup kuat untuk menghadapi apa yang terjadi. Mun nak di ekot hati, mok jak rasa nya aku culik TDB (the dimple boy) ya lari dari sitok. Tapi apa jwak rasanya meninggalkan family nya macam ya ajak nak? Benar aie, aku nang sik suka keadaan hubungan mek orang kinek tok. Dah lah selamak tok aku nang cukup faham betapa fragile nya hubungan mek duak, di tambah gik dengan keadaan sekarang, aku makin lah terpinga-pinga apa keputusan yang aku harus buat.

Tinggalkannya? Ishhhhh! Mun aku ada kuasa benda yalah sik akan pernah wujud dalam hubungan mek duak. Manusia or orang-orang di sekeliling aku senang jak madah tinggalkan nya. Tapi entahlah... aku rasa belom gik mampu aku mok molah mcm ya. Kenak tinggal nya pg Singapore pun dah demam-deman aku di sitok, sik tauk giklah mun kamek orang memang dah sik ada. Memang kamek orang pernah break off sekejap dolok, time ya aku pun kesihatan memang apalah.. Hampir tiap minggu aku kenak pegi nab (untuk orang asma), ndak alah-alah berenti demamlah, selsema lah, sakit palak.

Aku mun boleh nak, aku mok carik sapa yang baca blog aku tok sampei nya pegi ngadu dengan parent TDB hal aku. Bukan aku mok carik gadoh pun. tapi mun boleh aku mok madah dengan nya macam tok "Dah alang-alang gilak ko bait ati madah hal aku dengan parent TDB tok, apa kata ko tolong padah skali yang aku benar-benar sayang dengan anaknya, dan sik pernah terniat di hati aku tok mok main-mainkan hati anaknya. Dan aku berjanji, sekiranya parent nya bernarnya kamek duak teruskan hubungan aku mok jaga nya bait-bait, aku mok sayang family nya macam nie aku sayang dengan family aku. Aku mun boleh sik mok nangga nya sedih-sedih macam sekarang. Tolong jwak padah dengan parents nya, apapun aku sentiasa mok yang terbaik untuk nya. Dan sekiranya parent nya rasa, memang aku bukan yang terbaik untuk anaknya, aku dengan rela hati pergi dari hidup anaknya tapi dengan syarat nya mesti berik peluang dengan aku untuk tunjukkan niat aku."

Selalu aku pike, aku datang dalam hidup TDB tok untuk menyakitkan nya kah atau buat nya bahagia. Adakah nya memang bahagia dengan aku?

Isn't

Seeing people change isn't what hurt, what hurts is remembering whot they used to be.

Dan lama sangat saya tak kemaskini blog ini. Bukannya tak ada benda nak di ceritakan tapi tiap kali tangan saya menekan papan kekunci ini, hilang semua idea. Keyboard ni dah telan semua cerita saya ke? Atapun keyboard ni dah telan semua inspirasi saya nak menulis?


"Kalau masih ada sayang, insyaAllah perpisahan akan lebih menguatkan kasih sayang"

Betul ke macam tu? Kalau betul saya pun berharap benda yang sama. Dia sungguh berbeza dari orang yang saya kenal sebelumnya. Perwatakannya, tingkah laku nya, caranya. Sungguh, dia sentiasa buat saya senang berada denganya. Perpisahan ini membuat saya merasakan dia makin dekat dengan saya. Dekat dan lebih dekat dalam hati saya.

Saya cuma berharap dan berdoa tiap kali saya teringatkan dia, supaya Allah sentiasa menjaga dia, keluarganya, ibu bapanya, di berikan kekuatan kepada hati dan jiwanya untuk menghadapi segala dugaan dan cabaran dalam hidup, di murahkan rezeki untuknya, di permudahkan segala urusan sehariannya, dan di percepatkan jodoh yang baik untuknya, seseorang yang boleh menjaga dia dengan baik, yang boleh menjaga keluarganya dengan baik, anak-anaknya dengan baik. Amin.

Saya bukan berhenti menyayanginya, saya cuma berhenti menunjukkan sayang saya pada dia. Kerana saya mahu dia bahagia walaupun bukan dengan saya. Saya menerima takdir yang Tuhan tentukan untuk saya. Kerana Agama tetap pilihan saya yang teratas. Andai sebelom ini, saya mungkin tidak pernah bekorban apa-apa untuk agama saya, tapi biarlah kali ini saya bekorban untuk nya, walaupun terpaksa melepaskan orang yang saya sayang. Kerana agama saya adalah kehidupan saya. Semoga Allah merahmati keputusan saya ini... Amin..

Segalanya mungkin

Segalanya mungkin..

Antara baby and me.

But whatever it is i still glad with what we had until now.

It is half a year we are in a good relationship [officially], but to be fact it is more than half a year already he be with me through good and bad times together...

Honestly, i know that i'm lying to myself so far. I know that i don't think that i can live without him. But, SEGALANYA MUNGKIN... when GOD want us to separate i dont have any choice. And i know he give me challenge and i know he will give strength to me as well.

Baby suapkan me makan bila mek rasa mek malas nak makan, b hantar mek g klinik bila mek sakit, baby tiap-taip hari tanyak dah makan belom, me sihat ka sik, nya akan pujok mek bila mek merajuk dengan nya... he will said sorry even kadang-kadang ya memang salah kmk pun.. i know that he loves me so much... so am i..  Baby akan pujok mek bila me stress about work or study even i know nya dah terlalu penat after the whole day kerja... Kadang-kadang me kol baby berkali sampei nya angkat telefon tengah-tengah malam bila mek x dapat tido lena waktu malam... Kadang-kadang nya terpaksa pujok me nangis even baby x tauk pun pa reason me nangis.. P nya pujok jwak... Hahaha sian baby bah.. P nya saba jwak.. X da gik ya dengar nya merungut bah..

Even both of us know sukar untuk mek 2 bersama p Baby selalu pesan, banyak-banyak berdoa, Supaya Allah memberikan yang TERBAIK untuk kmk 2..

P/s to baby: me bahagia dengan Baby... thanks a lot sayang.. atas semua kesabaran baby dengan me.. me sayang nya...

Haikal, saya hanya manusia sempurna

Haikal... 

Saya adalah manusia biasa 

yang sebenarnya sentiasa berdoa kamu adalah

peneman hidup saya 

Haikal... 

Saya adalah manusia biasa yang sebenarnya mahukan 

kamu sebagai pelengkap bagi menutup

kekurangan dan kelemahan saya 

Kerana saya adalah manusia biasa

jadi 

Kasih dan cinta saya juga biasa saja 

oleh kerana itu saya mahukan kamu bersama saya 

supaya kita boleh memupuk cinta bersama 

dan 

menjadikan CINTA kita cinta luar biasa

sesungguhnya 

saya tidak mengetahui adakah kita mampu untuk bersama

kerana saya tidak tahu 

suratan jodoh saya

Haikal... 

Saya tidak pernah tahu adakah ada saya sentiasa mampu bersabar 

atas dugaan yang Allah berikan kepada kita 

tapi saya berjanji yang saya 

akan sentiasa berdoa 

sekiranya kamulah yang terbaik untuk saya 

mudah-mudahan Allah mempermudahkan segalanya 

supaya Allah sentiasa memberikan saya 

kesabaran dan ketenangan 

supaya 

Allah memberikan kekuatan kepada saya 

untuk melawan dugaan yang 

bakal kita tempuhi... 

mengertilah Haikal 

kerana saya manusia biasa... 

Masa

I miss him so much... i really do.

Baby...

i Am selfish

i LOVE you...

i start with the most common phrase in the world. But i do, i really mean it Baby. 

We had a small argument last weekend. And since last Saturday, i keep myself silent. It is a small matter, but as you know girl, when the mood swing coming small thing can be a reason for us to sulk. 

So baby was keep trying to talk to me even i was in silent mode. Kesian him. But i am not in a good mood. So last night he met me, he asked me to accompany him to go dinner, he bought for a sandal for me from my favorite brand hihi. And we took dinner at Sushi King. Yummmy :D 

I do, i really appreciate it. Thanks a lot sayang. 

I felt guilty. I am too demand. It is not i am demand for a branded thing BUT i am demand on him. I want him to be with me always even somehow i know he is too busy with his work. Somehow i being so selfish, i want him to accompany me to go dinner even he too tired to go out after work. I am sorry baby. But then, last night i have promised to myself i dont want to bother him always cause i know he has a lot of works to do, he very tired after a whole day busy at work. huhu i feel bad. Cause after a while i am not putting myself in his shoes.  

But the one thing, i want the whole world know that how LUCKY i am having you in my life. The one who always forcing me to eat SAYUR until i cry while eating. The one who always force me to eat when i dont want to eat. The one who will suap me if i refuse to eat. The one who care me more than other people did even sometime he is very cruel to me! Huh! But you know what, i feel grateful, i feel blessed having him in my life. He is being honest to his love. He is being honest in his deed. He is being the way he is in front of me. The one who comfort me like my friend always do to me. The one who treating me like a princess in his life. 

Dear Allah, i don't ask anything else. You know what is the BEST for me. I really want him badly in my life, i really want him, as the ask who always be MONSTER in every time forcing me to eat sayur, the CRUEL one to me cause he want the BEST in my life. 

Look world, what else i could say except i LOVE him? 

5 days

I will leaving for 5 days starting from tomorrow. I have BTN at Betong. This is my first experience having a course in this year. This course is compulsory to every government servant. And we must pass this course. Leaving here meaning i have to leave my baby for 5 days. Fuh!!! I hope i am strong enough for not be with him within these 5 days.  At least Baby already cure from his flu and sore throat tomorrow so i am might not worry too much about him here.

Yea yea i know that he can take k of himself but i can not tell myself for not worrying about him. He is my Baby ok!

Dear Allah, please please please take care of my prince while i am not be able to take care of him in this 5 days. Please love him as much as you love me and please please please remind him that i will always love and miss him everyday.

And for you Baby, please please please take your medicine, get enough rest, take care of yourself, wake up early so you will not late to go to work.

Ish ish ish ("^.^)(^.^") ("^.^)(^.^")


Worry worry and worry non stop until i make sure that he cure already :(

An illegal engagement

"i will try my BEST to make this relation work" Baby


I know this can not be called, an ENGAGEMENT. Cause it was not official and it is illegal. But our heart make it official and legal. So who cares? 


i fall and fall in love with him everyday. So tell me what should i do when i am not be with him? There are lot and lot of things that we have to do before we can be together and before we can have word legal in our life. Illegal and legal. Only have two different words. But the small different can make a lot of thing different. Get it? 


i do not know why i can hear his name clearly in my heart. Am i desperate to get married soon? Of course not. Ermmm may be the pain i feel before was thought me a lot what is loosing mean. See! May be this is me: Philophobia = fear of love, falling or being in. 


From the day we declared our relation by wearing a couple ring, there are lot of things running in my mind.  


Darl, am i really good enough for you baby? am i really the person can make you smile while you are in grieving mood? But may be this is a simple para that can show hows my feeling onward you darl. 

I can’t promise you perfection..

cause that is not who I am.

I can’t promise you forever..

cause I don’t hold fate within my hands.

I can’t promise you the sunshine..

because I know there will be rain.

I can’t promise you complete happiness..

cause with true love, there comes pain.

I can’t promise to always smile..

cause life always has a way to make me cry.

I can’t promise to always stand strong..

cause it’s never easy to want to give life another try.

Baby is in Singapore

He flew to Singapore this morning, and will leaving me about 3 days... He will coming back on Thursday... i can't wait. When he far from me now, i realized that i miss him, and i dont want to loose him. I know i always hurt him doing stupid thing and make him hurt.

But baby, please please please forgive me..

I love you love!~

B, balit cepat

Fall n fall n fall everyday

http://www.flickr.com/photos/demand4photography/4294432949/

B... this video is for you. I know this is only a simple video but i hope you will enjoy it. Thanks for the moments that we had. I fall and fall and fall in love with you everyday darl. Thanks for always be by my side through good and bad times. Thanks for always support me and believe in me.

Baby... If i could, i want to be by your side for the whole of your life. To be with you in every breathe that you breath. I am sorry baby, sorry for do not have enough strength while i am with you. I know sometimes i push you away from me. It is not because i do not love you, but because of i love you so much. I became egoist with myself. I start to hate crying. I hate tears. Finally, i hurt you badly with my behavior. I am sorry baby, and i really really sorry about it. 

But on top of that, i want you to know that i really love you.

Falling slowly

I do not how the movie actually, i just got this link from baby. He gave me this link. As if this is the melody of his heart. He always touch  me. Touch me with his heart, with his love. I really want to say to the world that he is the person that i need for the whole of my life. But i do not have any strength to say it out loud. Cause i really afraid that i might be loosing him may be in just a second.

When i understand the fragility of life, i start to more appreciate what i have in life. I can not list it here, cause it just to much. And i start to wondering, why must i look at the one thing i have lost before too long? While i have a lot and lot of things that i should appreciate and enjoy it while i still have it.

Needs and wants. Two different things in life. Usually, we always wants something based on what we crave for without knowing whether that is what we really need. And if we can have something that we want but actually we do not it so finally it is wasting. So i can say that, when we choose the person that we want no to the person that we really need in life so at the end it only just wasting our time.

Back to the story, at the moment i can say that who will be the person that i want and need for. I am happy with baby right now. I felt blessed when i am with him. The way he treats and loves me it feels that i do not want anybody else in my life. But how? Ermmm...

He makes me love and miss him everyday. He makes me smile every time i think about him. Baby... i love him dear, more than you know.

Prince

Morning blues...

I do not know how to start writing this time.

Loosing and replacing...

But, does everything can be replaced?


Life is FRAGILE. It can be fine right now, but worse in a few second later. If we understand this concept we will more appreciate what we have now. I always remind myself to appreciate what I have now, cause sometimes I know I am in demand. But i learn to focus what i have now and at the same time working hard to get what i want.

I am happy and feel glad for having him in my life now. Sorry, i do not have the answer why i still stay with you while we both know what obstacles in front us. The only answer that i can give to you is because of U... You do not know what have you done.

i LOVE u b... with all my heart. Thank you so much because you willingly care of me while i am sick. Thanks a lot for cooking nasi goreng Dubai for me and bring me to eat bubur ayam nyum nyum hihi. I love u b. So much... and please do not ask me the same question again. Cause my answer will always be the same. It is because of U...

you'll always be a part of me
i'm a part of you indefinitely
boy don't you know you can't escape me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
and we'll linger on
time can't erase a feeling this strong
no way you're never gonna shake me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

After one year

2010

I got bad experienced about love this year. But it totally thought me what love is actually. But then suddenly at last month in this year, after more than one year i am officially in a relationship. i felt glad for that.

Here goes for baby...

Baby, i do not know whether this is too soon to tell you this. But this is what i felt.

i know sometimes i made stupid mistake while i'm with you, sometimes i made you felt disappointed, sometimes i know it is hard for you to handle me but above all i LOVE you so much dear, with all the laugh and tears that we had, with all the stupid jokes that we did, with all the sincere smiles that we shared, with the worried feeling of loosing "us". i never know what i have been missing while i met you. thanks for bring it back to me.

I do not want to think much about what we gonna face in future but i really really really appreciate the LOVE that we had now.

-efa-

Serious matter

May be this is the first time we talk seriously about obstacles in front of us.

That is really really really BIG matter.

Yesterday, for the first time we talk about obstacle that we had now. We can not do anything to change it now. Apparently both of us know what are the problems. We need time. Need time to make a decision. Decision to go to the next stage in our relation.

Look WORLD! i'm proud to have him in my life. It is not because he is my steady boyfriend right now, but he is the one who willingly care about me, he is the person make me love him more and more everyday, he makes me fall in love with him everyday, he makes me feel secure while i am with him, he does not care hold me in front public, he shows to people that he has me in his life. He makes me feel, that i was belonging to someone. And i love that feeling. He is my best-friend. He is my LOVER.

Should i think about it or not?

LOVE... 

No matter how small it is, all of us can feel it. There is no person who is emotionless, it just an act from getting hurt. That is what Along said to me before. She is my best friend since secondary school. When i read other people blog today, then i realized that most of their blog said about love & relationship. Hrmm well the same thing goes to me.

YES, i am in a good relationship now. I have a good boyfie, he cares about me, loves me, concern bout me, but no one knows that we have to handle BIG thing together. Cause we're totally different in religion. That is the big problem within us. We know that we LOVE each other, we know that we want to live together, we know we like to put "US" than we, we know that we're missing each other when we're far from each other, we know that we can compromise with each other, we know that we had a lot and lots of common things to share, we have a STRONG reason why we can be together but undeniably we also have a BIG problem to solve before we can be together. 

Can we make it? Dear Allah, i don't know what should i do. i AM worried, YES i am, but seems i don not care about it. But the fact is i just running from the real situation. It is not i do not want to think about it, but i just worried that the fact will hurt us deeply, i am worried when i realize the fact i will hurt more than i feel before.

Dear Allah, should i think about it or not? How can i solve it?

Dancing under the stars

We're officially in relationship. 

I make a move. Don't look back too long in what you have been through before and don't look too much in your future. Appreciate what you have now. That is important.

When he said "You have got me baby, you got my heart" seriously that time i feel this world is belong to me. Yes, i don't say anything. It just i can't. All i can do was smiling. I want to tell the world "Hey look! He is my boyfriend! The person who cares of me, the person who concern about me all the time."

We were danced under the stars last night. It was so awesome.  And feel happy when i am with him. We laughing all the time, we share stupid jokes and also the warm beats of our heart.