Monday, March 14, 2011

He is my best partner

He is Andrew Matthews. He is the author of the million seller follow your heart, the author of being a happy teenagers.

I’m growing up with full of questions, full of anger of my self, trying to accept my self and lots of problem as a teen. I am a perfectionist before, may be a part of if because of I am a scorpion. I do love perfection and when things go worse I pressure myself a lot, I started to hate my self more and i feel that I don’t deserve to live. But luckily I found this book early before I start to become a trouble person in society. *Alhamdulillah* The book is Being a happy teenagers. I read the book for the countless count. Until at one time I remember all the stories in it, what the quotes given in the book. Just because I want to make sure that I remember all those stories when I needed.

As I growing up, I had my first job and it is permanent. All people said that im very lucky to have a job in early of age, during that time I am only 19 years old. At the few early years of my working period I got problem with my job, I got problem with self esteem, I got problem with money, I got problem with my parents, problem one by one came worse and worse everyday. And one day i committed to suicide. Even I know that is a big sin to do that but if that can make everyone around me happy im willing to do that. But after that I realize I need to pray. Then I started to pray and pray and pray a lot. At that time I don’t know where to ask help, I don’t know with whom I should talk about my problem and Alhamudillah I still have a friend as I consider as my sister. I talk to her a lot about problem, I cried a lot at that time, and immediately she bought a ticket to Miri for me. Relief! While in Miri, I keep thinking what I should do when I;m coming back to Kuching? Are people in my office will accept me they way i am? Can I handle task from my boss? And lots lots lots of thought! It is the same. It is either in Kuching or Miri the problem still chasing me. And finally, I feel so tired of all that. I feel tired of being sucked, I feel so tired of giving up. And I promise to my self, once I step in Kuching I promise to change! Change from my regularly routine.

It is true; sometime you need break in the middle of things. It will help to bring you back on track.

Landed on Kuching finally, after a week vacation in Miri. Looked at Kuching International Airport, I can feel that my heart beats faster. Am I ready enough to get through all of this? Am I ready enough to stand alone? Yes! I Did finally. I started doing my new routine; I went to cinemas alone, shopping alone, went to coffeehouse just to smell the coffee. I went to bookstore, looking for the new books to read; any book including love comic. And for the second times, the same author be my partner again. For This time, Follow Your Heart. I read and read and read the book. I bring it wherever I go. And Alhamdullillah I started to change. Trying to be more positive, trying the best in my job, trying to be happy with who I am.

Then the new phase is coming.


I am falling in love with the unexpected guy; Heyward Maxwell. To be with him is the greatest moment I had. We have gone through thick and thin more than a year. But without blessed from parents it will not going anywhere. To be honest, as a normal person I did blamed him, blamed my self because of the break up. But now I realized, I will not be able to change the fact. All I can do is accept what had happened, I will forgive myself for blaming him, forgive myself for being mad at him, forgive myself for being harsh with him and of course I need to forgive Heyward as well from the bottom with my heart. He is not the one that supposedly be blamed after both of us put much effort in this relationship.

Be or without him I will enjoy my life to the fullest! Nothing will change. While I still have parent to love me, still have sister, and insyaAllah will have brother in law in another few more months I don’t think I have a reason to be grieved so long. Like mom said “Mun dah macam ya takdir nya, macam nielah nak molah nak? Sik apalah” Relief! So relief! Mom always gives the best answer that I want to hear.

This is for Heyward, for this time I will not delete your name again in my entry. Cause you know what, we had keep our relationship from people for quite long time before so when we are become friend why shouldn’t I hiding your name again for this time? You are the most emotion people I ever met after my mom. Sometimes it is good for you but sometimes it is not. I do hope you enjoy your life to the fullest. Forgive me and most important forgive yourself! It is allowed to be sad, it is allowed to cry cause that is a sign that you are still alive but you must know when to stop.

And for myself~ I shouldn’t stop writing. It will help me to keep alive, be at track and keep moving. No matter what happen, no matter what obstacle coming around keeps writing is the best method to remind myself! Not for other people to read just to remind myself what I have gone trough, and why it is worth to try in LIFE….

You will be happy with stuff only if you can be happy without stuff.

For this come around, im done with Happiness in Hard Time.

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