This entry is for you. We tik something big today. and I fully understand that my decision will hurt you. butt hope you to understand i can't fulfilled your wants.
Ts be honest T get angry with people around me for saying that i could not understand your feeling. Mom, I give you the very best I could. I'm trying to understand you. I know how you feel. But you just never realised that fat.
"When you are doing somethings, do it from your heart, give the shoot that you could. Even if you failed at least you satisfy cause have given so much effort on it. And every effort will not wasted"
People that i love always misunderstanding me, always thought that i am not love them enough because of my action/deed, But here i told you, my principle is simple.
In life i choose yes or no only. And if I love someone there will ONE and only. And if don't want i will say no, there will no flirt, no secret intention. Love is love. If there is no love so then leave.
When i said friends, they are friend no matter how close i am with them or not and that is the reason why i hate people say they are being in friend in fact they are flirting with each other. Damn! You guys just misused the term of friendship and at the end people doesn't trust the meaning of true friend anymore.
And actually this is what happen to me,salah faham because of my action on how i supposedly treat a friend. Yes, i am sad. I am very sad actually. But i know i can't control what others think about me. No matter how good my intention is people will always misunderstand it.
I dont think i am so difficult to be understood actually, how you see me in front of you that will how i am doing behind you. They will no secret me, secret attitude, secret person behind you.
A guy with me now always thought that i intentionally hurt him by not deleting any kind of messages that i had in my phone. But let me clear something, i am doing that beacuse i just want he knows with whom im being friends with, what kind of conversation that i had and bla bla bla. Don't you think IF im flirting or has any secret intention behind you so why do i keep all the proof since i know you can access my phone anytime you want? Cause i want you to know, as how you see me acting in front of you, that will how i acting behind you. I am capable to delete all those messages, but i choose not to cause it feel like im cheating him behind, since nothing secret or any bad intention so why should I worry. I not misused the trust that you given but unfortunately, my action has been misinterpreted by you. Hmmm
So here i tell you, if you want to believe me its up to you. Its your choice. I don't have any right to force you to believe with what i said. But i know as long as long i don't have bad intention Allah will help me, soon or later. He will shows the truth. So why should i be worry.
You had made me suffer, you made me cry enough as how you wish. As how you though i intentionally hurt you. So, now let me announce, that YOU WIN! You win this game. And I am loss. Yes, i am. But i think you forgetting something, you done all those thing because you intentionally doing it. Because you though i intentionally treat you with kind of way. But the fact i don't have any bad intention to make you feel suffer. In fact my intention is want you you trust me as how i trust you.
Cuti tahun baru cina yang lepas, i went to Sri Aman area. Some places i went for the first time. So bila dah duduk lama dalam kereta, banyak benda lah i fikirkan, kenang balik what i have been through for all those time. Reminisced balik my happy time, dan fikir dalam-dalam why I am here now. What i have now.
Saya tak suka word "kalau" or "if". I hate that word.
So cara saya elakkan dari memikirkan perkara negatif is i twist my mind and ask my self
"what have i learned?"
"i am going to do same thing again?"
"what is the most important thing in life?"
Let me remind myself, I just want to be happy. No matter how bad your situation is, happiness doesn't count by how well your situation is, how much money do have in your bank or purse, how comfortable your mattress for sleep, how great your partner is, or how great your job is.
Kebahagian itu sangat subjektif. Jika kita fikir apa yang ada di dunia ini boleh buat kita bahagia, maka adakah kita merasakan yang apek jual botol tu tak bahagia? Belum kita lebih bahagia dari mereka.
To be Happy is my biggest concern in life. And may be that is the reason, i'm being so stubborn. I only think about what make me happy. Prinsip hidup senang je, redah je apa yang di depan mata. My worse part is, i jarang fikir consequences. Dan mungkin sebab itu lah, usually saya sll dapat masalah besar. Hehe
For me, saya nak hidup yang simple. Kalau saya ada problem, saya nak selesaikan masalah tu cepat-cepat. But sometimes saya lupa, hidup pun tak boleh nak rush sangat. Its all about TIME. Dan saya nie bukanlah penyabar sangat orang nya. May be i just good in pretending.
I am an extrovert. I think. Hahaha but the one thing about me is i keep a lot of to myself only. And only few people know about my story. If people say I am a secretive, well yes! I am.
To be exact, I am 24 years old (errrr + 2 months) And on my 24th birthday there something big happen to me, and affect my life. Bukanlah nak mengenang perkara yang lama, NO! i am not that kind of person BUT I got lessons from that experienced.
I become more secretive about my life.
BUT I think I need to clear something to someone.
I may being mean to you may be, for not telling the world that i am with you now. But i hope you can accept my reason why I am doing that way.
I may not be good in writing, nor in telling verbally. To be short, I am bad in telling others how's my feeling. The worse part, usually the things become worse :(
For first of all I am sorry, for not being open to the world that i am with you now. Because you know what? I don't want to share the best moment we had to world. I want to keep it to us only. Make it special to us only. And only let few people know how happy I am now.
When I feel down, I read this over and over again. And every time I read this I feel 'something' in my heart that I can't explain in any words.
We all have secret. We all have something that we feel ashamed about our-self. Something about our-self that we afraid other people knew about it and they gonna talk about it.
I feel ashamed of myself for not being myself sometimes. For not being the way i want myself to be. Feel ashamed to my Greatest Creator. And let other think what they not supposedly think about me.
I hope people will understand me, I am human. Make mistake, fall in love with the wrong person, over thinking, over doing thing, over love someone, over love things and finally forget what I supposedly do. It hurt me people! it hurt me a lot. By admitting my mistake to all of you, by admitting that what I have done was totally wrong actually killed inside me. It hurt me a lot when they still talk about it, while I'm struggling my self to forgive myself and to improve myself.
Happy New Year. Semoga anda semua benar-benar bahagia tahun ini. Sungguh. Saya menyebutnya dari hati yang terdalam.
2012 telah berlalu. Tapi jujur saya akui, masih ada rasa yang
tersisa. Belum mampu berlalu seiring berlalunya waktu. Belum punya
kekuatan memadam apa yang berlaku tahun semalam.
Tahun 2013, hanya ada doa. Dan janji yang perlu di tunaikan. Tidak
ada azam. Ingin menyempurkan azam yang tersisa pada tahun-tahun
sebelumnya. Sangat tidak mahu dibebani dengan azam yang baru.
Semoga Allah ampuni saya, ibu bapa saya, rakan-rakan saya, guru-guru
saya, ketua-ketua saya, jiran-jiran saya, dan orang -orang yang berbuat
kebaikan kepada saya.
#this entry should be posted yesterday, but due to some reason i just post it today.