i'm mO.Oving

Just because I'm losing, doesnt mean I'm lost
Just because I'm hurting, doesnt mean I'm hurt
Just because I'm upset, doesnt mean I'm sad
Just because I'm down, doesnt mean I've fallen


I just need to be on my own.

i took this from dayna blog

No matter where i go, FACT is fact

Baby, i know that i always find a reason for not talking about our feelings

i'm being so mean to you right baby?

but actually i'm just afraid

Too afraid

If ask you to take care of me, give me a reason why he is not deserve my feeling,

to protect by getting hurt from anyone else,

but how if
in the end i just can't love you back the way i should love you?

i will hurt you badly b,

while i understand well how hurt feels

YES! i was too afraid to fall in love again,

i have to admit

apart of the reason is come from your love stories before

i know the fact,

"When you love someone there is no guarantee that they love you back as the way you love them"

but,

this hurt is killing inside me badly

i thought that i was strong enough to get over all of these before

but when it comes,

i totally feel weak

feel lost,

feel hopeless

and i'm too afraid with LOVE

i don't know why this time i was too afraid with LOVE

before this i took 4 years before i really can overcome my feelings toward one of this guy

is that the reason why i became so afraid with LOVE?
 worried that it might be happen again?

am i too afraid of getting hurt?

but why must i feel that way?

while i know that i am a strong person
errr
am i really a strong person or
i just pretend that i am strong?

baby,
i'm sorry if 

i hurt you one day
apparently

 i need someone who can show to me that

he is not the one for me

he is not deserve my love

please show me a reason

why i should not miss him

why i should not love him

and please

please

protect me from this hurt

im being so tired

tired

of all my feeling towards him

i need your support b

please show to me that i can't care of myself even i can do it alone
please show to me now baby

i'm not a slaver to this HELL feelings

i'm not looking a MR RIGHT

but

looking for the imperfect person who can make my LIFE perfect!

done!

i move a step forward

is this can call a POEM?

i'm running out of word

this feeling is conquer me

before i can understand it 

denying

or

pretending

is that can make any different?

or just

a reason

a reason from hiding

a real inside

feeling is not something

that

can easily to explain

but

yes, it is a fact

feeling is a fact

that mind cannot understand

how it start

Doesn't mean

Just because I'm losing, doesnt mean I'm lost
Just because I'm hurting, doesnt mean I'm hurt
Just because I'm upset, doesnt mean I'm sad
 Just because I'm down, doesnt mean I've fallen

  I just need to be on my own.

p/s: i got this from diyana blog, thanks to her

YES, i DO

I have been asked by one of my closer friend. Soalan bonus. And i simply answered to her YES, i DO! :P

i don't have any ideas to tell her how's my feeling now. i know she read my blog that is why she suddenly asked me the hardest question in the world. May be for her but not for me. i don't have any problem to answer any question from her because i know everything is over. What is past is past.

Yes, i Do joan. I know i don't have to tell you how my feeling cause i bet you can feel me. May be you're right. It is not i miss him but i miss the memory that i have while i'm with him. May be i got trouble with my sense, when everything is on my shoulder i never once cry. It just that i can't cry. I don't have time to cry or to think how my feeling during that time. The only thing in my mind is, i want her to be fine. That it is. I put a side my  own feeling. Honestly, during that time i HATE him! It is not for what he has done to me, but what he has done to her. He can hurt me badly, but please don't do that to that girl. I sacrifice my own feeling just want to make sure that he be with her but at the end he hurt her badly. i know i don't have power to change what has fated.

But actually on top of that i feel blessed by all of this. Cause i become stronger n stronger than before. And my self esteem boost 100% than before. Life is not counted by what education that you get from uni. Your higher education, how beautiful you're, which brand that you bought for your cloths, or which saloon that you go every month but people look at you HEART.

Anyway joan, thanks a lot for comforting me this evening. i really3 appreciate it dear. Please help me to pray the best for me.

efa

it is 21

SMILE :D

i'm a one year older now. but it only 21st. i'm still young. And i'm sure about it. Hahaha Cause no matter how old i am i'm still the younger in my family. And no matter how old i am my mum + my dad + my sis will still called me adek haha. That the fact that i can't change. Envy of me Opps! i'm just very lucky to be ADEK for the whole of my life :P

I CRY too much this year. More than last year but the good thing is i LAUGH 7X more than last year. Can beat it? i feel blessed by having a great PARENTS, having the only ONE Along, One angah and lots of KAKAK, having a great COUSINs, great FRIENDs, great BOSSes, great COLLEAGUE, and many more things that just can't listed here. :D

HURT. it is compulsory in LIFE. I'm being hurt by someone that i really LOVE. But i don't want to think i'm a victim here. Come on. While i still can do a lots of things in life i just can't sit n think how bad my feeling is. Sometimes i cry too much than other. Too loud than other people. But please, I'm a HUMAN or the other words I'm a GIRL. Sometimes i can be too emotional. But i know it still ok, cause i'm sure it won't last.

i ALWAYS do that. Always keep what i feel inside my heart alone. I don't know how to express it. I'm a pretender i guess. NO! i'm an actress. Haha But the fact is, i hard for me to tell others my real feelings. It is more easier for me to write what i feel than tell other. But actually i'm just too secretive.

i LOVE u! whoever read my blog. Please take note to this statement. i LOVE u! no matter who you are. I will love u as the way you're. Some people said i just love people more than i love myself. That is totally wrong. I love myself sooooooooooo much. That is why i can love people back. I can't love other people if i don't love myself. Got it?

i DON'T want to do it again. Guess what? be a PLAYER. i Do it once while i'm in secondary school. And i don't want to do it again now. Even i stated in my previous blog that may be become a player again but opps! sorry it just not me. i don't want to waste my time to do that stupid things. FRUITLESS. It is better for me to wait my Mr RIGHT with patient n SMILE all the time. The most important thing is i don't want to force myself to love someone that from start that i know that i don't want to be with. i'm a TYPICAL girl when speaks about love actually. That is maybe one of the impact i read too much book about relationship, watched too much movies about love, listened to too much love songs and dreams too much about soul-mate. Hihi 

Dear my future soul-mate,


Errr this letter sound weird, but i know that you're there. It just we're not find the right time to meet yet. If one day you find me, please take care of me, cause i'm being so tired to take care of myself before. Please share everything with me cause i'm bored have to keep it all alone before. Please accept me as the way as i am and i will do the same the same thing to you. Once, i call you as a husband, that is mean you have to lead me to a good path, and i can count on you for the rest of my life.

-efa-

p/s: for those who want me to get married fast,

why don't don't you all help me to find a husband

haha

anyway thanks for all the birthday wishes that i got yesterday

and the presents as well

and also the hugs that i got from all of you on my birthday

Aku bukan selayaknya

Sesungguhnya aku bukan selayaknya untuk berbicara tentang cinta dan pengorbanan. Apa yang pernah ku lalukan untuk cinta? Aku lakukan semata-mata hanya dari hati. Kerna aku yakin sekali kata hati dan kata nafsu itu akan menyebabkan keadaan berbeza.

Aku sendiri sebenarnya x mampu nak membuat keputusan yang sebetulnya sekarang. Arfan terletak jaoh sekali di hati. Kukuh dan kuat nya dalam hati ku dengan keizinan dari pencipta ku. Aku bisa membuat keputusan kerana keizinan nya. Aku bisa bersabar dan bertahan atas segala dugaan semua nya atas kasih dan cinta nya Allah kepada ku. Aku berharap, kasih dan sayang ku pada arfan kelak akan mampu menyebabkan aku mampu makin dekat dengan pencipta ku. Walaupun mungkin dia adalah bukan untuk ku tapi aku tetap mendoakan itu bukan penyebab aku semakin jauh dengan penciptaku. Amin...

Aku bersandar hanya pada Mu Ya Allah, Yang Maha mengetahui, hidup, mati, jodoh dan rezeki ku. Aku hanya perlu berusaha. Tapi terus terang ku katakan, jika tentang arfan di bicarakan, aku kaku untuk memberikan apa-apa jawapan sekali pun. Cuma apa yang mampu aku katakan, Allah lebih mengetahui apa yang ada di dalam hati ku. Kerna walau seribu kata pun aku luahkan untuk menghuraikan nya, tetap tidak mampu untuk mengatakan perasaan ku pada nya.

Aku bersujud hanya pada mu Ya Allah pada tiap kali perasaan rindu ku padanya meragut ketenangan jiwaku. Aku bersujud pada mu Ya Allah pada tiap kali aku luahkan sayang ku pada nya. Aku bersujud pada tiap kali mata ini tidak mampu ku lelapkan barang sesaat tika aku sangat merinduinya. Aku sujud pada mu Ya Allah tika aku tidak lagi mampu meluahkan perasaan walau dengan sesiapapun. Kerna sesungguhnya kau lebih mengetahui apa yang aku rasa, siapa diriku, hati ku dan niat ku. Sesungguhnya di hadapan Mu, aku ada lah manusia yang paling lemah sekali.

seorang sahabat bertanya kepada nabi S.A.W "bagaimana ciri-ciri org yang patut aku dampingi (untuk di jadikan teman)?

Nabi bersabda: " teman yg patut kamu dampingi ialah apabila melihatnya kamu teringat Allah, apabila mendengar kata-katanya bertambah ilmumu, dan apabila melihat amalan-amalan nya lalu kamu teringat dengan akhirat"

"Ya Allah, jika dia jodohkku,

kau permudahkanlah

dan jika dia bukan

Kau jauhkanlah dia dariku

dan jika perasaan ini,

menyayanginya kerana Mu,

Kau bantulah kami

dan jika ia hanya nafsu semata-mata

kau jauhkan dia dari kami... Amin"

Nur Kasih

Lewat ini ku rasakan
Kasih kian ku dambakan
Resah hati yang ku pendam
Pada takdir dan harapan

Detik waktu dan suratan
Siapa tahu ketentuan
Ku mencari cahayanya
Dalam bayang kegelapan


Nur kasih
Nur kasih
Nasib hidup dan pilihan
Lain hukum setiap insan
Mengharapkan perjalanan
Dalam maya kesamaran

Nur kasih
Nur kasih

Aku kembali kerana masih
Mencari yang hakiki

Sinar pasti
Janji suci yang abadi
Ooo kasih

Nur kasih
Oh nur kasih
Nur kasih

Aku kembali kerana
Masih mencari yang hakiki
Sinar pasti
Janji suci yang abadi
Nur nur ya nur kasih
Nur ya nur kasih
Nur nur kasih
Nur kasih

Before weekend

Hai babe..

I will go back to kampung this nite, so i will leaving all of our memory for about two days here. I'm gonna miss you badly this weekend. That for sure :D. Not much that i want to tell you actually, just want to tell that i miss you :D. Miss you a lot

with lots of love

i'm sorry to say it again

Cause i'm only a human, no matter how strong i am sometimes my tears burst. Not to give up with what i have but this feeling sometimes is bothering me. Missing him. Rest in peace in my heart. Only me and Allah knows what i feel. I'm NOT giving up, i'm NOT waiting for him [i guess so] it just my heart. Missing someone is not an abnormal thing.

Just a few second kak no tell me something about love hahahaha

"cinta yg ikhlas sik perlu d lafazkan nya akan tetap ada d dalam hati"

She's right. Sometimes we don't have to tell other if we can't it is more than enough for us to know it and felt it. i know that he will always in my heart, no matter how far i go, no matter who will be with me. Rest in peace dear, rest in peace in my heart... i miss him

Reminisce

i miss him.. :D yeah, he walked out from my life, leaved me, and gave a BIG hurt to me. But on top of it, all the memories that we had was too SWEET to reminisce :D. i don't look at him as something that hurt me badly cause after a while i didn't see him anymore. And to be honest, i don't know where he is. Who cares about it, cause i know Allah knows what is the BEST  for me. i DON'T have to regret anything about it. The only thing that i should do is TRUST to Allah there's must be something good happen after a storm.

Yes, i'm still talking about him.. Why? errr. I don't find the reason why it have to be that way. For sure i broke up with my boyfriend is not because of him. i'm not into that relation. It is not because of he not sweet or what, but i guess that i just can't give commitment as the way i should give to him. And finally, i feel i don't feel fair to him. So i make a decision to break up. Being single again. It is a good thing actually. Can "cuci mata" with handsome guys around me. And i REALLY like it. Hang out with whoever i want and i have right to choose with whom i want to hang out. Is that call playgirl? Opps! who cares??? hahaha i'm feel happy about it. The important thing is i'm not CHASING them, they are looking for me.

No matter what happen to me, no matter how bad my hurt is, i always to put my HEAD HELD HIGH. Stand to world with proud. I don't have much time to cry a lot. I know there are still many things in life that i don't explore yet. YES, i cry sometimes when my "sa'al" is coming. But it just temporary. i never skip my day without pray to Allah that he might get the best thing in life, pray the best for him, pray that he will always be fine no matter where he is. Cause that is the only thing that i can do. And i'm happy to do that.

second chance

yesterday night, as usual.. bai + me lepak2 at warong... having a GREAT roti pisang + roti nan cheese FUH! memang layan. talking about PELUANG KEDUA.... does everyone will have it?

She wanna get married with osman. she told me if osman ask her to get married for this time she will say YES.. hrmmm GOOD for her. n me? will i have the second chance? sometimes we have to BE selfish. I had given twice chance to other, n promise if i have the second chance i will used the BEST i could. i don't want lo let him go anymore. but, do i have it?