9 November 2016

Bismillah...

Setelah berpuluh-puluh purnama berlalu, setelah beribu kali ombak menghempas pantai, setelah berjuta kali bumi ini ditimpa hujan, barulah ini aku menulis kembali di blog ini.

Rindu.
Masih begitu. Sesetia bintang pada malam. Sesetia permata dengan cincinnya. Sesetia gula dengan kopinya.

Harus apa yang aku perlu mulakan?

Suami?

Anak?

Aku maseh menulis seperti dulu. Tapi penulisan itu lebih kepada puisi ringkas tapi lebih aku isikan hati dan perasaan aku didalamnya. Lebih aku sembunyikan untuk siapa dia ditujukan, tujuaan nya apa. Kerana aku lebih selesa meluah dengan berlapik.

Kamu dan dia

Tidak harus aku perjelaskan kenapa dia 

Dan bukan kamu 

Masa ku telah ku berikan sepenuhnya

Untuk kamu, 

Bukan baru sekarang, 

Bukan baru sebulan yang lepas 

Bukan baru setahun yang lepas, 

Tapi sudah 5 tahun yang lepas.... 

Sesaat pun tidah pernah kau pedulikan... 

#affa

Wanting and waiting

Hari Raya ke 7... basically in sarawak we still in raya mode.

i realized that i never have enough patient to wait for people, to wait for something, or just relax. So this time all want to do is waiting, have a good rest, relax and will not doing anything.

banyak sangat nak cerita

I have a lot of things to say out... till then i keep it in my brain first :P

i just want it

Hai mom

This entry is for you. We tik something big today. and I fully understand that my decision will hurt you. butt hope you to understand i can't fulfilled your wants.

Ts be honest T get angry with people around me for saying that i could not understand your feeling. Mom, I give you the very best I could. I'm trying to understand you. I know how you feel. But you just never realised that fat.

Pada Waktunya

You spent you life looking for
The one thing that makes it all
Worth all the tears that fall

Walking down on this road
Moving on stepping forward
Althought it’s not that easy

Just keep holding on
Just keep pressing on
Just keep moving on

Ada waktu untuk menangis
Tuk tertawa, tuk bertahan saja
Ada waktu untuk menunggu, tuk percaya
Bahwa semua akan indah pada waktunya

Just keep holding on
Just keep pressing onJust keep moving on

Ada waktu untuk menangis
Tuk tertawa, tuk bertahan saja
Ada waktu untuk menunggu, tuk percaya
Bahwa semua akan indah

Ada waktu untuk menangis
Tuk tertawa, tuk bertahan saja
Ada waktu untuk menunggu, tuk percaya
Bahwa semua akan indah pada waktunya
Just keep holding on
Just keep pressing on
Just keep moving on

Pada waktunya

Get up and try and try and try

Im sad. Out of words.

"When you are doing somethings, do it from your heart, give the shoot that you could. Even if you failed at least you satisfy cause have given so much effort on it. And every effort will not wasted"

People that i love always misunderstanding me, always thought that i am not love them enough because of my action/deed, But here i told you, my principle is simple.

In life i choose yes or no only. And if I love someone there will ONE and only. And if don't want i will say no, there will no flirt, no secret intention. Love is love. If there is no love so then leave.

When i said friends, they are friend no matter how close i am with them or not and that is the reason why i hate people say they are being in friend in fact they are flirting with each other. Damn! You guys just misused the term of friendship and at the end people doesn't trust the meaning of true friend anymore.

And actually this is what happen to me,salah faham because of my action on how i supposedly treat a friend. Yes, i am sad. I am very sad actually. But i know i can't control what others think about me. No matter how good my intention is people will always misunderstand it.


I dont think i am so difficult to be understood actually, how you see me in front of you that will how i am doing behind you. They will no secret me, secret attitude, secret person behind you.

A guy with me now always thought that i intentionally hurt him by not deleting any kind of messages that i had in my phone. But let me clear something, i am doing that beacuse i just want he knows with whom im being friends with, what kind of conversation that i had and bla bla bla. Don't you think IF im flirting or has any secret intention behind you so why do i keep all the proof since i know you can access my phone anytime you want? Cause i want you to know, as how you see me acting in front of you, that will how i acting behind you. I am capable to delete all those messages, but i choose not to cause it feel like im cheating him behind, since nothing secret or any bad intention so why should I worry.  I not misused the trust that you given but unfortunately, my action has been misinterpreted by you. Hmmm

So here i tell you, if you want to believe me its up to you. Its your choice. I don't have any right to force you to believe with what i said. But i know as long as long i don't have bad intention Allah will help me, soon or later. He will shows the truth. So why should i be worry.

You had made me suffer, you made me cry enough as how you wish. As how you though i intentionally hurt you. So, now let me announce, that YOU WIN! You win this game. And I am loss. Yes, i am. But i think you forgetting something, you done all those thing because you intentionally doing it. Because you though i intentionally treat you with kind of way. But the fact i don't have any bad intention to make you feel suffer. In fact my intention is want you you trust me as how i trust you.

Kalau...

i reminiscing about my past these few days.

errrrrm its not a good things to do Efa!

Cuti tahun baru cina yang lepas, i went to Sri Aman area. Some places i went for the first time. So bila dah duduk lama dalam kereta, banyak benda lah i fikirkan, kenang balik what i have been through for all those time. Reminisced balik my happy time, dan fikir dalam-dalam why I am here now. What i have now.

Saya tak suka word "kalau" or "if". I hate that word.

So cara saya elakkan dari memikirkan perkara negatif is i twist my mind and ask my self

"what have i learned?"

"i am going to do same thing again?"

"what is the most important thing in life?" 

Let me remind myself, I just want to be happy. No matter how bad your situation is, happiness doesn't count by how well your situation is, how much money do have in your bank or purse, how comfortable your mattress for sleep, how great your partner is, or how great your job is.

Kebahagian itu sangat subjektif. Jika kita fikir apa yang ada di dunia ini boleh buat kita bahagia, maka adakah kita merasakan yang apek jual botol tu tak bahagia? Belum kita lebih bahagia dari mereka.

To be Happy is my biggest concern in life. And may be that is the reason, i'm being so stubborn. I only think about what make me happy. Prinsip hidup senang je, redah je apa yang di depan mata. My worse part is, i jarang fikir consequences. Dan mungkin sebab itu lah, usually saya sll dapat masalah besar. Hehe

For me, saya nak hidup yang simple. Kalau saya ada problem, saya nak selesaikan masalah tu cepat-cepat. But sometimes saya lupa, hidup pun tak boleh nak rush sangat. Its all about TIME. Dan saya nie bukanlah penyabar sangat orang nya. May be i just good in pretending. 

Private & Confidential

I am an extrovert. I think. Hahaha but the one thing about me is i keep a lot of to myself only. And only few people know about my story. If people say I am a secretive, well yes! I am.

To be exact, I am 24 years old (errrr + 2 months) And on my 24th birthday there something big happen to me, and affect my life. Bukanlah nak mengenang perkara yang lama, NO! i am not that kind of person BUT I got lessons from that experienced.

I become more secretive about my life.

BUT I think I need to clear something to someone.

I may being mean to you may be, for not telling the world that i am with you now. But i hope you can accept my reason why I am doing that way.

I may not be good in writing, nor in telling verbally. To be short, I am bad in telling others how's my feeling. The worse part, usually the things become worse :(

For first of all I am sorry, for not being open to the world that i am with you now. Because you know what? I don't want to share the best moment we had to world. I want to keep it to us only. Make it special to us only. And only let few people  know how happy I am now. 

Aku dan Masa Silamku

When I feel down, I read this over and over again. And every time I read this I feel 'something' in my heart that I can't explain in any words.

We all have secret. We all have something that we feel ashamed about our-self. Something about our-self that we afraid other people knew about it and they gonna talk about it.

I feel ashamed of myself for not being myself sometimes. For not being the way i want myself to be. Feel ashamed to my Greatest Creator. And let other think what they not supposedly think about me.

I hope people will understand me, I am human. Make mistake, fall in love with the wrong person, over thinking, over doing thing, over love someone, over love things and finally forget what I supposedly do. It hurt me people! it hurt me a lot. By admitting my mistake to all of you, by admitting that what I have done was totally wrong actually killed inside me. It hurt me a lot when they still talk about it, while I'm struggling my self to forgive myself and to improve myself.

this is where my heart speak louder http://bungateluki.tumblr.com/

Dan Mengapa

Dan mengapa harus hatinya yang berubah?
Mengapa tidak cinta dan rasa saya yang memudar?

Mungkin kerana,
Saat istikarahnya,
Hatinya belum cenderung,
Sedang cintamu sudah memenuhi relung -relung hati.

Lalu,
kerana itulah petunjuk datang dari arah berbeza

 

http://tersenyum-melihat-langit.tumblr.com/ 

Jujur Ikhlas

Sejauh mana anda berlaku jujur dan ikhlas terhadap diri anda sendiri?

Terhadap perasaan?

Dan tingkah laku?

Sebelum menunding ke orang lain, tanya diri sendiri cukup ikhlas apa yang aku perbuat ini?

Mungkin aku juga tidak menghayati surah Al ikhlas, yang didalamnya sendiri tiada perkataan ikhlas.

A late post

Hari pertama 2013 

 

Happy New Year. Semoga anda semua benar-benar bahagia tahun ini. Sungguh. Saya menyebutnya dari hati yang terdalam.

2012 telah berlalu. Tapi jujur saya akui, masih ada rasa yang tersisa. Belum mampu berlalu seiring berlalunya waktu. Belum punya kekuatan memadam apa yang berlaku tahun semalam.

Tahun 2013, hanya ada doa. Dan janji yang perlu di tunaikan. Tidak ada azam. Ingin menyempurkan azam yang tersisa pada tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Sangat tidak mahu dibebani dengan azam yang baru.
Semoga Allah ampuni saya, ibu bapa saya, rakan-rakan saya, guru-guru saya, ketua-ketua saya, jiran-jiran saya, dan orang -orang yang berbuat kebaikan kepada saya.

#this entry should be posted yesterday, but due to some reason i just post it today. 

Hati ini masih kaku

Kalau saja aku bisa berlari
lari ke hadapanmu
lalu ku peluk
biar hati ini tenang
biar rindu ini hilang
biar sendu ini pergi melayang

hati ini tetap disini
tidak ke kiri
tidak juga ke kanan
masih
kaku menunggu kamu

air mata ini selalu saja ada untuk kamu
tika bila aku rindu kamu
tika bila aku ingat kamu

aku tak kuat
meninggalkan kenangan yang pernah ada
meninggalkan kata yang pernah terdengar
meninggalkan rasa yang kita pernah punya...

Daun

Daun yang jatuh tak pernah membenci angin, dia membiarkan dirinya jatuh begitu saja. Tak melawan, mengikhlaskan semuanya. Bahwa hidup harus menerima, penerimaan yang indah. Bahwa hidup harus mengerti, pengertian yang benar. Bahwa hidup harus memahami, pemahaman yang tulus. Tak peduli lewat apa penerimaan, pengertian, pemahaman itu datang. Tak masalah meski lewat kejadian yang sedih dan menyakitkan. Biarkan dia jatuh sebagaimana mestinya. Biarkan angin merengkuhnya, membawa pergi entah kemana.

 

That is not a poem

Hilang
Dibiar terpinga-pinga
Ditinggalkan hanya dengan kata

Terjeruk rasa bila sendiri
Cuba bangkit dan mencari rasa itu kembali

 Sungguh
Aku belum bisa
Berjalan
Belari dengan gagah
Biar didepan MU aku rebah
Biar didepan MU ku luah semua
Biar di hadap MU
Ku lagukan sendu dan tangisku
Biar Engkau tahu
Aku tidak mampu tanpa KAMU...

Peluk diriku Ya Allah

I need to fight! Death Serious!

Allah tak mengubah nasib sesuatu kaum itu sehingga mereke mengubah nasib mereka sendiri.

 You need to fight for your own happiness. It will be hard on the beginning but it is worth to fight for. Sampai bila nak harapkan orang tolong kita selesaikan masalah?

Face it!

Embrace your fear!

Fight it!

Its gonna hurt you. It will. But it is a good lesson for you in your life. HE knows you can do it. HE loves you more than your mom.

HAVE FAITH. 

HAVE FAITH 

HAVE FAITH. 

I can't just sit down and crying bout my problem. It wont help.

Fikir positif. Fikir yang baik-baik sahaja. Harapkan DIA. Sesungguhnya Allah adalah sebaik-baik penolong. I have nothing except HIM.

24th Birthday

I'm getting old?! Owh no!! haha

It is a part of life, getting old, have wrinkles (i have it already lalala) Well everyone will through the same thing right?

But for this time, I learn to much on my birthday. And thanks for that Ya Allah.

Ada banyak benda yang dah aku terlupa, ada banyak benda yang selama ini aku dah terlepas pandang tapi syukur Allah sedarkan aku sebelum alu lagi hanyut. Seblum lagi banyak benda alu terlepas pandang dan sebelum lagi banyak penyesalan.

Story what i had on this birthday. We celebrate it at Bing! Coffe with Babe (my cousin, my Bff, my partner in crime, my PA, apa2 jaklah all her) and my housemate Kak zu. Ladies time! :)

Tersedar, i still have them in front of me. Celebrate my birthday together walau telah banyak masa aku mengabaikan mereka. Honest i regret it. Talk silly thing, laugh at nonsense thing, create stupid story till 1 am. (Dah sikit jak agik mok kenak halau mek orang hahaha)

Stay over at my cousin house, as what i used to do before. And the next day her mom masak for lunch sempena my birthday. It touch my heart. Sebab rasanya dah agak lamak sik tido siya, lepak2 dengan parents nya but on my birthday their parents still do something. 2nd time rasa bersalah gilak-gilak.

I receive to many Birthday Wishes this time, from calls, messages, fb wall, instagram, line, f2f that make me realize i still have a lot a lot and a lot of people that still concern about me. That still remember me even i almost forget about them. 3rd time feeling guilty.

Last, celebration at Top Spot Seafood with everyone that i love adalah hadiah terbaik for this birthday. Love! With mom and dad, sis and brother in law, with nek yak (both), with babe, with kak zu, with aiman, with adib (my BFF, and orang yang paling selalu kenak leh beb haha) and last with my Sayang (opps! his name can't be mention here) Its a blessed from Him to me to remind me that i still have family when i feel down, i still have family to take care of, i still have a family & friends to love me as i am. When look at their faces how guilty i feel cause lately nang dah jarang gilak nak hang out dengan cdak, ask how they are being doing,how their life, i am too busy to focus to my own thing. 4th time feeling guilty.

Dan buat pertama kalinya aku memohon dari hati yang terdalam, semoga Allah memberikan aku kebahagian di dunia dan akhirat dan kejayaan di dunia dan akhirat. Kebahagian itu mampu membuat yang derita jadi bahagia, yang sempit menjadi luas, yang kurang menjadi cukup. Amin...

"It happens in life as they grown up you find out who you are and what you want and then you realize that people you've know forever don't see things the way you do. So keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on" Nabila Huda

Tell her your words

I love you.

Saya suka awak.

Saya pilih awak.

Walaupun pepatah Inggeris ada mengatakan, "Action speaks louder than words" but i like to remind you gentleman out there you need to tell your girl that you want them, or you love them or not.

Guys! Sometimes we (ladies) could not read your action. To understand a body language tu tak pernah ada dalam mana-mana silibus masa kat sekolah. Tak ada dalam soalan SPM pun. Huhu

So guys... please please please be frank to your ladies or the other gentleman grab your ladies!

Melepaslah lagi...

Understand me or not

To all my stalkers, understand my writing before you judge me.

You won't be able to stalk my fb again cause i'm gonna deactivating my fb. Errrr i think hahaha

 Here you should stalk me more. I will be more honest on what i write. That is how I express my feeling to the world.

Understanding me writing first before you decide to add me in twitter or instagram.

Happy Deepavali!!!