So finally we did a discussion on Thursday, it going well. I felt so relief. so here are the conversation between us:
him: i'm sorry...
me: what is going? i really don't understand
him: i'm sorry, that is not your fault.
me: so tell me what it is
him: i'm afraid
me: afraid of what? in term of your family and your ** will know?
him: i more afraid if one day i can't let you go the way i'm supposed let you go and i'm afraid that you will feel the same thing
me: Dear, from beginning i've well known that this relationship will NOT going anywhere. Both of us knew about it. I will leave you someday. For sure i will.
him: yup, i knew it. But then i know that you can act like a friend to me in front of other but i can't. i don't know how. My bad! So can we act like a friend before?
me: Yup! for sure.Why is that so hard for you to tell me about this?Why u must have to wait until i cry like crazy then u tell me everything? You know that you can tell me everything.
him: Yup, i knew it. But then i don't how to tell you. I'm sorry dear. *smile ;D*
Then we go home n i felt really really out of burden after we had a discussion. For me, it is NOT really important that how you are to me now. Cause i know i still have a lot of things to do but the most IMPORTANT thing is you must be with me. That it is. FULL STOP! After this crazy thing happened then suddenly i realized something. Its look like i can't live without him. While both of us on "SILENT MODE", i feel like i crazy that time, every places that i go reminds me of him, everything that did reminds me of him. My tears burst out all the time. I miss the way he hugs me, i miss him the way he holds my hand, i miss the way he called my name *babeeeeeeeeee* [full of energy hahaha] i miss everything about him, about how crazy he is, about how nonsense he is while talking about something, i miss his smell, i miss staring at him when he keep busy typing his task in front of his computer. *that is most my fav moment* I pray until the time for me to let you go not coming yet, so will stick with what i feel now. Who cares about how you are to me babe, i want to be with you while i still can.